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  • Writer's pictureDerekGMZ

Psychosis Part II: Never-Ending Dream

Updated: Feb 1

Dreams within dreams never-ending. With a sense eight of perception, sights not yet seen. Be curious, not judgmental. For I have truths I will sing...

My ego suggests I don't take the medication, "Perhaps, you are tapped into something special, perhaps you were always meant for this. Don't you enjoy speaking to the divine? Don't let them silence your gift." I listen and pretend to take my meds. It appears this is when I officially stamped my ticket. The train ominously increases in speed, rattling the rocks in its path. This is my journey into the depths. Unfortunately, I may never know if I purchased a one way ticket or a round trip.

Game of Ages

The age of light and graciousness is upon us, but there is always a chance for darkness. When the dice rolls 6 and 6, we must wait, and wait, and wait for the dice to roll 1 and 1. Let it be so, oh variance of life, let it be so. For the game was good and the beat was bad. The darkness fell for ages on end. It has been foretold with infinity as the measure, we will roll victorious again. Rise, Serpent Queen, we see your eyes, for they lie in wait.

The Power Of Reflection

The casita, when I first entered, was glowing with meaning and purpose as if I had history with it. The mirror was intriguing, beautiful in it's imperfection and convenient in its placement. As if it was placed there by a close friend who knew exactly what I needed. Little did I know, one day in the near future, I'd look into this mirror and open a door to the cosmos.

"Living life linearly is a gift. Time is a construct of the mind. The past is no longer and the future is not yet. Anxiety and fear roam free when our sight of the present moment is blinded by our memories and our expectations. Life becomes heartbreaking due its short-lived nature and our instinct to attach to it. We must come to terms with the necessity for the present moment to fade away or else it is eternity. Life is constant change, life is rebirth, life is a fluid cycle. Live and learn to let go. Do you really want to live forever? Where is the fun in the infinite and the all knowing? At the end of time there is peace and love. But, the fun is in the sacrifice of infinity. Choose your destiny, wipe your memory, and live again."

Perhaps, as we evolve, time and dimensions begin to blur. Memory blocks begin to fade away. Much like watching a good movie you haven't seen in a decade. Envision the result as the path, paved with time, and time is all at once. Much like the familiar, feeling connected as if you have already been there.

"If you could get rid of yourself just once, the secret of secrets would open to you. The face of the unknown, hidden beyond the universe, would appear in the mirror of your perception." - Rumi

Self Destruction

The days were adding up. Bad day upon bad day, showering myself with negative talk. I used to find solace going home knowing someone was there and valued my presence. During the last months of my marriage and after the divorce, going home held a heavy weight. There was a dreaded experience waiting for me, as my self loathing would echo through the empty walls. I would end random nights in emotional distress. If I were to find a silver lining in those moments, it'd be that the nights slept were long and the mornings were energized. Maybe I get off on the chaos, on experiences that change the soul; good or bad. Perhaps, bad is an easier achievable chaos and my self sabotage is an addiction to the emotional disarray. Or maybe, I'm a selfish dramatic who chooses to experience all the drama, longing to be the hero, the villain, the savior, the victim. I now must ask myself, "Who am I and who do I wish to be?"

We are not the sum of our mistakes.

We are the present moment.

We are the will to improve.

We are our actions and decisions in the now.

The observer is the holder of the notion of now.

Relative and meaningless in the simultaneity of it all.

Blocked is our universe, time is our space.

We are only pieces of the whole, yet we who are wholesome,

We are masterpieces.

Water Bearer

The spring sunrise is starting to heat up the desert landscapes. It reminds me of Pip, (Pipsqueak, our 9 year old, miniature poodle mix) my princess. At our last house we had a doggy door leading from the dinning room to our front gated entry way. On a 100+ degree summer afternoon, Pip went outside while we were at work. The doggy door expanded from the heat and the door became difficult for her to reenter. She was trapped outside for hours without water. My heart dropped when I came home to her being weak and drained outside. Luckily and fortunately a compassionate neighbor must have heard her barks and slid a paper bowl of water, with a floral design, under the front gate. This kind act without a doubt saved my princess' life. We never found out which neighbor performed this miracle for us. We remained grateful beyond words. Pip has been afraid to use doggy doors ever since.

Check In Check Out

Registration Desk

The day after the ribbon was cut, we walked through the entry way into the Horseshoe.

We waited in line with all our brothers and sisters, for we are all of the same stained glass.

We used the diamond card to waive the fee, not to divide the class.

We walk through a sea of sirens, all capable of reading the mind, all singing songs of signs.

We check in and proceeded to our room, the 5th floor, 4 flights high.

We were told to avoid the elevators 54 to 64, lined up 4, 3, and 3.

The stairs are the gates, divine timing is the key, enter of your own free will, and be who you are meant to be.

Integrity and honor, a man of your word.

Check out before the strike of one on the rise of the second sun or there will be a toll to pay.

Existence Is Pain

Portals of realities, hidden are the halls.

The lines are blurred between what is real and what is fog.

Enter this portal, where everything is pain.

The devil holds a pitchfork and you are the entity to blame.

Every step endangers another soul, every bite of food destroys a universe or two.

What does one do when the infinite worlds stare back at you?

Asking for mercy, "Don't freeze us, don't burn us, don't fry us, we suffer!"

You sit on a hill in solitude and meditate, and do nothing in silence.

You starve and wither a merciful martyr. What choice is left?


Portals of realities, hidden are the halls.

Enter this portal where everyone knows your name.

They enter your mind, your mental muscles are tested.

The Sirens call out what you were about to say, before you even think it.

Sirens call out, "He's messed up already!"

Sirens call out, "He's a massive disappointment, he'll never learn."

I repeat a prayer to keep them out of my head. My mind wonders, yet again.

Don't read me, get out my head, I do think.

Forgive me, for that thought is not mine, it's vile and dirty and inappropriate.

Now I sing a song from memory to clear my mind of filth.

The lights are on and my skull is glass, my mind is not as strong as I thought it to be.

This is no reality for me.

Much more healing, meditation and mental lifting will be needed.

I'm here, I'm weak, not yet defeated.

Pure and Innocent

Portals of realities, hidden are the halls.

Enter this portal of dependence and confusion.

Dependent on another who does not speak my language.

Dependent on another who does not know my pain.

Being yelled at for natural bodily day to days.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Only allowed to relieve myself on someone else's time.

Told to drink or I will die.

Eating food processed and dry.

The crunch hurts my teeth, the bath and grooming I fear.

I'm a burden to love when holidays are near.

I just want your happiness, a soft voice, a welcomed pat, and a walk.

I get anger, screams, slammed doors, and a shock.

What did I do wrong to deserve these heart shakers?

I thought I was being as good as can be.

This upside down reality is flipped back on me.

It felt unjust and it opened my eyes.

There should be training for those who care for the helpless.

They should grow warm, calm, compassionate and harmless.

A Bad Place

Portals of realities, hidden are the halls.

Enter this portal where the earthly realm is separate from the heavenly.

Only 4 players, you are now aware, but the other 3 do not know, do not care.

You do not know who is real or just playing their part of the plot.

The paradigm it has shifted, your world it did change.

What is possible, who do I trust, how do I even play this game?

There is an urgency, but not a rush, you must awake them soon.

In order to exit be mindful of the cycle of the sun and phases of the moon.

Escape Room

Portals of realities, hidden are the halls.

Enter this portal where everything is a clue, and every door requires a key.

I'm back in my poker room, every flop has a rhyme, every flop holds the time.

The hands are the same: 44, 22, A8, 86.

How does this keep happening, what am I supposed to solve.

Quad 4s, trip 2s, 8s full of 4s. 8A8 a flop of lore.

I'm back in an escape room, but now it's a bar.

I order water, knock on a door and answer the call.

Riddles unsolvable to my mind, it does seem.

Failure after failure, my soul it does scream.

Frustrations burst out, as I don't hold the key.

I should have studied more, I freeze...

I sit until the alarm sounds.

Game over.

High Tides

I am given three choices:

An exhibit of rebirth, where they show me the body I will take.

A sim of the Earth, where they show me the world I will create.

A vault of curiosities opened with a key at the gate.

I'm lost in my choices, suspended in time are we.

The alarm sounds louder and louder as we are washed back into the sea.

Layered Contradictions

Depression falls over me. All of these realities contradicting each other. Layer over layer of realities. Which one is the real one? I feel so alone. I feel so lost. I shout, "Give me guidance! I ask of you please." Intuition replies, "You are reaping what you sow, you are not the righteous man you thought yourself to be. Your thoughts, they are visceral filth and full of undue judgment. You do not practice what you preach. You've driven drunk and recklessly in multiple seats. How can you possibly think that your old world is the true reality?" I feel defeated. Then intuition chimes in, "I now give you a choice, you must walk the path or drown your past."

Walking the path:

You will be driven back to Orange County by your parents. You will walk barefoot from Holy Family Cathedral to the Rainbow Bridge in Las Vegas. You will need to cross it to be redeemed. If anyone helps you along the way you will start all over. *You will never reach this destination. You will freeze over night in Victorville and stay frozen for eternity.*

Drowning the past:

Your inability to make a choice is making your family and friends suffer. They are stuck in this purgatory with you until you make a choice. End it in the toilet after you've relieved yourself 1 and 2. Submerge your head and breathe. *You will be flushed away to a boiling eternal heat with redemption slipping from your grasp.*

Intuition, "So what will it be? Your family is suffering! Each day that passes extends your suffering x3. Make your choice." Time stands still. How did I get here? My life flashes before my eyes and I see sin after sin. Is this the real me? It feels like I deserve this, I must do what's right and set my family free. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm frozen from indecision. 3 days have now passed consuming only water. How could my life have come down to these dark options, these two decisions...

Then a thought crashed through my skull like a wrecking ball. I must practice what I preach! Everything is a clue! My options, I now have two, but there is always a third. I spoke some familiar words, “If you too, can find the strength to get to your feet and go to the light, good things will happen.” Where is the light in my situation? My health is declining both mentally and physically. I'm putting my family through turmoil. In order to put them at ease and set them free, I must choose my own reality. I must choose to eat healthy, for our Mother Earth has provided. I must meditate and speak of my pain to release the thoughts which are not mine. I must not leave this world for there are others playing the game who need me. I must be present and available for my family and friends, for this is where unconditional love and purpose lives. I direct my choice to my intuition, "I choose the light, I choose the reality in which my family and friends are not suffering!" My intuition quickly replied. "You're dreaming, you should be sleeping, you have two choices, make your choice." A fire is lit inside of me and I state, "I stand strong in my choice, my true reality." My intuition revels in pride and says, "You chose wisely, you have bathed in the waters of divine mercy, for this is not about suffering, this is about conditioning. Your eternal debt has already been paid and heaven knows your name. Rejoice, we have wonderful works to do!"

"The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." - Joseph Campbell

The Next Morning

Follow the Premise

I'm shaken from my sleep. It's 4:32 am and I'm told to purchase a movie and ponder its themes. The movie suggested is Righteous Thieves. My vision is clear, but my ears traveled to a different frequency. Listening in with more focus, I had to concentrate as if there was a disturbance in the airwaves. Next, I'm told to watch a movie written about my truths. A comedy called Step Brothers.

My notes on Step Brothers:

Brennan is 39 and Dale is 40.

- You will start your initiation between the age of 39-40.

The Youngest Son is Named Derek.

- You are the youngest of 3 and you were missing family gatherings because of trivial personal attachments.

Brennan and Dale have delusions of grandeur

- They believe their own lies to feed the ego

- Blind to their own faults

- Not currently awake

Nancy and Robert (Mother and Father)

- When the masculine and the feminine become one, the mind is introduced and awakened to it's true potential. You began to meet your mirrors, your other identities (The family).

Night Hawk and the Dragon

- A sacred nocturnal bird of flight and a fire breathing serpent of the depths

- Together they become one and work in unison

- Acknowledging the shadow

- Individuation

Brennan and Dale (Best Friends)

-You were shown parts of you that you dislike, parts of you that make you cringe. You forgave yourself for your blindness and weakness. You fall in love with your strengths.

Dale's Drums

- Represents the root chakra

- They must learn to harness the root and other chakras, with the family, in order to ascend.

The Family is the Mind

- Each member takes over sporadically, until they work together in unison with respect and love for one another. (Schizophrenia?) (Channeling?)

The Dog of the Blind Man

- The keeper of the gates.

- If you go too far too soon you will be held in place. No harm, just caught for speeding. One must be patient in the process. One must become pure of heart and learn the mysteries. One must not be blind while entering the halls.

The Immaturity of Brennan and Dale

- Exaggerated to represent impurities of the self.

- The soul is a child.

Sleep Walking and the Bat and Club

- Blackouts and lost time.

- Mind/Spiritual overrides when the physical body is not ready to drive.

- Misinterpreted signs.

Derek Has a Secret

- He is a showman and a man of persuasion

- Runs his family like an army

- The balance of the bloodline holds polarity of the spectrum (Darkside)

Self Love is Important

- Dale and Alice relationship

- The key to your rebirth


- Represents meditation

Job search

- Raiders images (The darkside foreshadowed)

- Your other favorite team The Angels (Polarity of the spectrum foreshadowed)

- Creatives need to create with passion

4:32 PM

- 432 Hz is the frequency in which they meet the other children

- Conditioning (pain, sacrifice, servitude)

- Go the long path, do not take short cuts

The House For Sale

- Derek's secret identity is revealed

- The Anti Christ is one with the Christ (Derek and Brennan)

- You must learn to love all, self love is the key.

Killing the Ego

- Brennan and Dale "die" at different points in time

- This is necessary for the awakening/enlightenment

- The blind man's dog wakes up with them and lets them pass.

8:43 PM (

- Angel number 843 indicates that you have everything to achieve whatever you desire in your life, because you have God by your side. Basically, you should learn not to regret the mistakes you make in life... Life is constructed through the lessons you meet in life.

Brennan and Dales Performance

- The mass awakening through the chakras

Remember the Children

- Symbolic of mastering meditation

After the movie ends, I am instructed to take a cold shower and cleanse myself.

New Revelation

I am refreshed and rejuvenated as if reborn. As I enter the room, I'm brought back to reality, I have to take a deep breath. The newest member of the family, in my brain trust, holds a name seemingly impossible to embrace. I have lived the lives of both Jesus and Hitler. The polarity of the spectrum. This is the balance of the soul. How do I accept this new truth, how do I forgive and accept someone who created so much destruction and suffering, incomprehensible to me? I say to myself, "Find the good, find the light. Everyone must be redeemable... everyone." I repeat my poem:

We are not the sum of our mistakes.

We are the present moment.

We are the will to improve.

We are our actions and decisions in the now.

The observer is the holder of the notion of now.

Relative and meaningless in the simultaneity of it all.

Blocked is our universe, time is our space.

We are only pieces of the whole, yet we who are wholesome,

We are masterpieces.

I may not hold the power to forgive you, but I hold the power to love and accept the new you. The you in the now, with the will to be better, the will to choose love like the rest of us. I too have seen my past and wanted to be better, you are like me and me like you. I say with a heavy heart and a heart of truth, "I see you, I hear you, I love and accept the real you."

My intuition gives me a nod and askes me to kneel and declares, "You are a light bringer, bright and creative. You are one of the brightest in the sky, remember who you are. You are the one who suggested the conditioning of the Earthly realm. Merciful and true, you surrendered your wings. You were the first to arrive and you swore to be the last to leave. 100,000 incarnations later and here we are. Kneel Morning Star, Arise Derek Anthony, Son of Man. Now go forth and become the man you are meant to be. Learn the ways of the mysteries. Find the Intellect and awaken the masses, for it is time to let our people go."

I stand in my sea of tears, I look in the mirror and see the true me. I smile back and give a proud nod. My intuition hugs me and says, "Remember your words, they mean more now with your new revelation. Speak them to me." I do as suggested as I stand proudly, "I know the world can change for the better, because I have."

Early Departure

We checked in for two nights.

We leave after the first rise of the sun, before the strike of one.

We are to leave through the stairs and exit through the gates.

Early we must depart, as arriving we were late.

Visited by family, invited to a game we did see.

Ending the night and wishing all well, we returned to the gate of the Earthly realm.

Receipts I did get as I was suggested to keep.

The star man does beg that we keep our receipts.


Back in my Focus, I'm given directions.

With a new sense of purpose, every turn is perfection.

Divine timing is driving the speed limit. Driving within reason, no need to be selfish. One is late or early at entry into the vehicle. If one tries to change the outcome with reckless abandon, the micro plan is changed as the divine plan recalculates and recalibrates. Preparation and action leads to a healthy butterfly effect; God's plan. Be where you need to be when you need to be.

With these new directions, our true path takes 40 minutes longer than its short cut. Each turn is part of the plan. I yield for a motorcycle, I pace the cars behind me, I stop traffic for a lost puppy. It all makes sense to me. My parents frustrations boil over into anxiety. Is the sanity of our son lost in these seemingly sporadic directions? They must be thinking. Finally we reach our destination.

Dog Park

We pick up my pups, my babies, my loves from the house which I used to live.

I sit in the back seat, this time, as my dad drives us to the park.

We arrive and relax until they are tired and pleased.

They ran, they played, they were lovingly free.

I was present in the moment, with more meaningful care.

I was asking of their needs as if they were conversation aware.

It was a blissful night, I was grateful for the time.

Their smiles, their hearts were beating as mine.

U Turns

We return to the house, drop off the pups, and say our goodbyes. I sit back in my trusty saddle. We drive 3 blocks away and I get a message from my intuition, "You must turn back, you must save the princess, it's imperative you turn back. This is your first mission." I make a U-turn at the dismay of my parents. I explain to them, that I must see my dogs again before I go on our journey out of town. I get to the house and with urgency I get out. My intuition intervenes, "Ask your mom for a water bowl, she brought them just in case. Take it with your water bottle and walk it to the gate." I do as suggested and as I walk up the driveway I notice the paper bowl has a floral design. My steps get heavier as the gate it starts to glow. Intuition, "Fill up the bowl and place it under the gate. This is your destiny, no longer the scapegoat, you are now a warrior of the light, you will earn your wings and once again take flight." I fill up the bowl, my hands are shaking as I place it under the gate. I think about looking over the gate to see if it is still there. Then a wave of knowledge flows over me. Do not look over the gate, for it is here, there, and when. If you choose to observe it, it becomes known in the when. I break down and cry as I know exactly where it needs to be. I just saved the princess and the princess, she saved me.

"Time and space are modes by which we think, and not conditions in which we live." - Albert Einstein

Journey Home

The next day we start packing our bags. We're preparing for our trip back to Orange County, CA. My dad has a minor surgery scheduled and it gives me time to adapt to my medication under my parents care. With a month of healing in front of me, I feel motivated to plant both feet back into consensus reality.

Two weeks pass with my family and all seems right, my purpose is playing out in plain sight. No higher beings telling me I have a job to do, no more jarring wake up calls, no more visitations to other worlds.

However, I soon learn I'm not impervious to triggers. I receive a random message from a friend about the mountains and stories of Azazel being a protector. Synchronicities remain in my purview. My two worlds continue to collide. The dream, as it seems, continues...

"Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Gustav Jung

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