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  • Writer's pictureDerekGMZ

Psychosis Part III: Recovery

Updated: Feb 1

"Perception is controlled hallucination... Thus, external perception is an internal dream which proves to be in harmony with external things; and instead of calling hallucination a false external perception, we must call external perception true hallucination"

- Hippolyte Taine


Just Like Me


There are over a million stories just like yours.

Delusions and symphonies of meanings and chores.

Through the darkness, the pain, the trauma, the lore.

They walk through the valley of despair.

You know of their journeys, like you were with them, like you were there.

Confusion and mania, what is real and where is the line?

Your lives, they are connected, they're in sync and they rhyme.

You will each tell your tales, each one with the same premise.

Psychosis is a state of evolution, and not one to take lightly.

The agony, the uncertainty, the seemingly meaningless torments.

Altruism is what we lean on and growth is earned with inner light.

Heal and stay in your moments, do not overwhelm with insight.

Open your doors and listen to the songs the world will sing.

Good mornings, good afternoons, goodnights we will bring.



Fractals


Allegory and archetypes.

It's all in the game.

As above, so below.

Of fractals and of the whole.

Experiencing the present as if a sacred gift.

What if "Remember Who You Are" is a blanket statement

To awaken the gods in the human experience?

History rhymes as does the tongue of prophecy.

What if the day of ages is upon us?

Are we to realize the wonderful works of destiny?


Salt Water Falls


Trusting the algorithm to guide me, I select my playlist and shuffle the deck. Each song sitting at the ready, each song with a message to send. I cut the deck and press play precisely when the universe suggests. I unlock my phone, set the timer to 15 minutes and place it outside on the window sill. Remaining in my line of sight, I do not bring it with me through the gates. The blaze of the rocks consumes the room awaiting my arrival. I enter and take a deep breath, I find my place and sit ever so graciously idle. Swimming in the nurturing inferno as if I'm one with the sea. I close my eyes and lose myself in the blissfulness of the heat. This is my jam, my comforting peace, as this is my temperature of choice. However, I must not stay longer than my welcome, for it is the gratefulness I must possess. I focus on my lungs, my heart, and my pores. Each breath is a journey of its own. As if I'm fighting to make ground on this path of time. Breathing in I'm pulled two steps forward, breathing out I'm pushed two steps back. I take deeper breaths to keep striving forward in the dark. I'm now winning the battle as I nimbly make my way into the abyss.


A track starts to play nearly 9 minutes in length. I enter the universe of The Night King, now my fire has turned to ice. My path is lit with clarity while each step is brimming with uncertainty. The role I must play is purposeful and mighty. The song I must sing is silent and somber. I make my way to a child with a dagger. She flies through the air like a stealthy wind, whispering sweet sounds through the waves of the air. I catch her and admire her beauty as she cleverly releases me of my pain. Although my story will be villainy in nature, my role was necessary for the woman with no name to be lifted up into ascension. I burst into fractals and I'm gracefully dispersed back to Mother Earth, as the track plays to its end.



I'm back in my sauna, my temperature of choice, the heat on my face, I'm back in my place. In my gut it feels like I've been in here for a lifetime and a half. It appears I've lost my sense of time. I peek at the clock on my phone, which I left on the window sill. Only 3 minutes have passed. I begin to focus on my breath again, with a sea of salt flowing down my brow. The water feels as if it came from a distant land. I do not wipe it away, I let it flow freely. In doing so I'm respecting the past and the future. I continue to meditate and enjoy my time in the now. The clock hits zero and I awake from my state and exit the clear gate in my sweet, sweat of experience.


Language Barrier


My words are of my own.

For they are of my own language and my knowledge.

My thoughts they are not mine.

For they are of hidden understanding and intuition, dealt to me face down.

Channeling through the stations in order to find the right frequency.

The cut card between the truth and my truths is blurred by white noise.

Translations and telephones hold the misinterpretations.

The fault is not of the reader or the writer, but only the circumstances.

Trust and believe in the experiencer, the seer, and the channel.

In this, you will be grateful when you are called upon to riffle and shuffle.

Take a breath and trust in everyone, but before you deal the cards, always cut the deck.


Social Birds


Below, in chronological order, are social media posts relevant to my experience.



^ Ever since I noticed the 2160 number, I've been deleting an old tweet to make way for a new one. In order to stay on the number 2160. I thought it was a fun synchronicity and I want to keep it going for that very reason. Fun! :)


^ The video mentioned was lost when I threw my phone out of the car. Referenced in Goodnight Neverland





^ Yellow orb at my waist, while in Orange County, CA with family.

This was during my month of healing.


Tastes of Manifestations


If you wish to debunk, you will debunk.

If you come forth with curiosity, you will leave with open eyes.


The message above was sent to the CEO of Poker Detox.



As it would appear the poker gods have a wonderful sense of humor.



Wind Wave


Be the breeze that ripples the wave.

One cannot act on the ripples until the wind blows.

The waves await the wind as the tides await the presence of the moon.

No bold lines, only sea water waiting to be consumed.

One drop, three drops, nine drops, two.

Turbulence comes before pressure followed by the break.

The message it was given as the wave returns from the thirsty beach.

Many breaks it does take until the message is heard.

The beauty remains in the dance of the sea.

The wind, the water, the earth are the three.

The beacon, the lighthouse it screams out for thee.

The hidden one is the spark who must light the tree.


Warning of Caution


Carl Jung's viewpoint on taking psychedelics to enhance/expedite the experience of the beholder:


"...There’s no point in wishing to know more of the collective unconscious than one gets through dreams and intuition. The more you know of it, the greater and heavier becomes your moral burden because the unconscious contents transform themselves into your individual tasks and duties as soon as they become conscious.”


"Beware of unearned knowledge." -Carl Gustav Jung


Do not search aggressively.

You will be found.

Your time will come.

You are worthy.

Faith, good will, unconditional love.

Altruism and patience.

Faith, good will, unconditional love.

You are worthy.

Your time will come.

You will be found.

Do not search aggressively.


Lucky Man


Present day in May. I'm grateful to be alive. I'm working on being consistent and taking care of myself and my needs. Life after psychosis is not an easy path. It feels as if I still have one foot in and one foot out. There are valleys and mountains along the way, it doesn't feel linear. Menial everyday tasks seem troublesome and unsustainable over time. Metaphorically, it feels like I'm learning to walk all over again. Reintegration into society is taking courage and resilience. My most challenging days seem to be the ones in which I have nothing to do. The depression is so intense, it's as if my previous bouts were merely flesh wounds. It's difficult to focus and my patience seems to have left me, one minute feels like an hour, this may be the medication. Fortunately, I'm not doing this alone. My family and friends have been doing their best to give me support and structure. I have to remind myself to breathe and take it one task at at time.


Before each meal, I pay my respects:


In honor of the Holy Trinity

In the name of the Father, the Mother, and the Children of Earth

I am grateful for the sacrifice and servitude rendered for this meal to be before me.

I am grateful for my home and comfort in my shelter.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am grateful for the love that I feel.

I am grateful for the good graces I've been given.

Bless this meal, may it find added purpose in its renewal as energy.

In the presence of all who are one, I am grateful.











"God appears to us at a certain state of the soul. We reach the God through the self. However, God is not the self. God is behind the self, above the self. The self, itself when he appears. But he appears as our sickness from which we must heal ourselves. We must heal ourselves from the God, since he is also our heaviest wound."

- Carl Gustav Jung | The Red Book


Good read on Carl G Jung:



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