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  • Writer's pictureDerekGMZ

Psychosis IV: Individuation

Updated: Apr 24

If there is a God we must see Him, if there is a soul we must perceive it; otherwise it is better not to believe." - Swami Vivekananda


It's now mid November, the dust of my experience has settled. Per doctor's approval, I've been off my meds for 3 months with no lasting side effects. I have yet to find a therapist. I tried BetterHelp, but the expense was too great for what little guidance I received. I'll start looking again when my insurance kicks in for 2024.


For now, I'm left to analyze my psychosis through my own lense. It was so bizarre, surreal, and at times ineffable. There must be some meaning behind it. During my psychosis my intuition advised me to lean on the wisdom of Carl Jung. I have done what I can to honor this insight. Now I must ask myself, "What would Carl Jung do?" I decided to take a leap of faith. I'm going to revisit the depths. This time through active imagination.


How will I know the difference between real dialogue and fantasy? Will this trigger another episode? I have my doubts, but I also have a burning desire to travel inward. I sit at my desk with a paper and pen, awaiting inspiration. I close my eyes, breathe, and listen to music. I think about calling for my intuition, but I don't know how or even who to reference. I let the thought pass...


Intuition:

"We find joy in your understanding of oneness. You haven't once asked us to name ourselves. Yet today, I feel your ego being curious. We go by many names. All of them being true to those who hear them. Today you may refer to us as Raphael."


D: "I still doubt myself, you keep speaking to me as if you are real, but my words keep coming off as fantasy. As if I'm insinuating prophecy in every word I write. I'm having a hard time accepting that I am special the way you make me out to be."


R: "You must not lose faith in yourself. Everything in your past was meant to happen. Your stories are your destiny. You are destiny incarnate. You've become friends with fate. You listen well when the universe speaks to you. Fear not, whenever your faith is slipping I will send another in your path. One who will resonate. They will see the significance in your words. They will see the significance in your actions. They will rescue you from your doubts. They will see why your past came to pass."


Zazz Tyrion


I told her we were going to Big 5 for a deal on dumbbells. But, in reality, there was an adoption event happening next door at the Petco. She lit up when she saw the banner as we pulled into the parking lot. She punched me when she found out it was in the plans all along. I had set an appointment to see a cute dog who stole my heart over the internet. However, the clerk informed us he was adopted an hour before our arrival. A feeling of frustration rushed over me, as I was watching the Raiders lose to the Vikings that day, causing us to miss our chance.


Feeling a bit disheartened, we strolled around and met many wonderful little souls, but none seemed like the perfect match. Our disappointment grew as we made our way toward the exit. Then, like a stroke of fate, the automatic doors slide open, and in walked the most adorable little guy we ever did see. He tugged on the leash with excitement and vigor, and she looked at me with a giggle as he playfully snorted.


His handler apologizes to the clerk, "Sorry we're late, we were watching the Vikings game." Then she looks at us and says, "This handsome little guy is named Pizazz, would you like to walk him around." We spent time with him and fell in love. We signed the papers and he was our first rescue.


I thought about changing his silly name. I wanted to name him Tyrion. We decided on shortening it to Zazz, so he wouldn't have to deal with too many things changing all at once. Well, the little guy with a silly name changed our lives. Zazz is the kindest soul. When you look into his eyes, you can't help but to see yourself the way he sees you. We rescued each other.


D: "Why are you laughing?"


R: "All of your stories are full of silly synchronicities."


D: "I struggle to find the humor in this. Synchronicities are said to be a symptom of psychosis."


R: "When in full awareness, synchronicities are everywhere and much to bear. One can get lost in the web of connection. Know that synchronicities exist, but sometimes a stubbed toe is just a stubbed toe. The human is a clumsy beast. With that said, you're going to love how this all comes together, like the intricate pattern of the flower of life."


Two Days Prior


Barbara Zangaro Jones is undoubtedly a superhero. Her unwavering dedication to helping the less fortunate shines through her consistent social media posts. In her role as the executive director of Poker Gives, she orchestrates the Streethearts initiative every Monday night. Come rain or shine, they are out there providing clothing, toiletries, blankets, jackets, towels, water, and meals to the homeless population of downtown Las Vegas.


For a while, I had been meaning to lend a hand and contribute to the cause. I often had the thought lingering in the back of my mind that I would find the time to volunteer and donate money once I achieved success in a major poker tournament. In my mind, that would be the moment when I finally had both the free time and the extra funds to give back. Until then, my focus was on building my poker bankroll and saving every dollar to reach that goal.


On December 26th, 2022, I found myself close to broke, six months divorced, and feeling helpless. It was at that moment that I randomly stumbled upon a post by Barbara, and without hesitation, I thought to myself, "Today is the day." I quickly checked the address and headed to the location. Although I didn't know anyone well and had only met Barbara once before, I introduced myself to everyone and offered my help wherever I could.

Before we began serving, there was a moment to say a prayer for the homeless and the volunteers. Despite being an atheist, I have a deep respect for the idea of prayer, and in these moments, it feels like a wholesome ritual. Over the course of three hours that night, we served over 400 people in need.


One of the volunteers, who lives on the premises, is known as Tiny, despite being quite the opposite. He is a gentle giant with warm eyes and a keen sense of perception. As I said my goodbyes and headed to my car, Tiny turned to me and asked, "Hey Derek, do you believe in God?" I took a deep breath, unsure of how he would react, and replied honestly, "No, I do not." His response surprised me, as he simply nodded and said, "Well, thanks for coming. God bless." I thanked him and drove off for the night.


Two days later, something divine reached out and touched my heart, and my world changed over night. Since then, I've made it a point to show up every week to help the Streethearts. With an uptick in my own financial situation, I donate what I can to support the cause. Each Monday, I make sure to give Tiny the biggest hug possible.



R: "One is not truly ready until they claim their thoughts and act upon their own will. You used to dream of winning the lottery or achieving that life-changing poker tournament victory, believing that it would bring you peace and comfort, and that it would mark the start of your life of giving and selflessness. We admire your aspirations, for you are a man of your word. In many alternate realities where you attained wealth, you indeed gave it all away to support others. But what about the realities where wealth eludes you? What then? No more excuses, no more thinking that your helping hands, as they are, do not scale. Its time to stop waiting and dreaming. We require action."


"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." - Mahatma Gandhi

Hallucinations


Before my experience, I had no knowledge of psychosis. I used to think that hallucinations were limited to strange occurrences like seeing breathing colors/images on the wall or being in fuzzy dream-like states. However, I soon realized a hallucination can be indistinguishable from real, everyday life. To keep both of my feet firmly planted in consensus reality, I have to consider multiple experiences as hallucinations. In my case, there was no clear beginning or end point to these hallucinations, and nothing was out of the ordinary other than the feelings I had and messages I was given. They all felt as real as the desk and paper in front of me.


The Stairwell:

My first out of the ordinary experience (other than the downloads of understandings/communication, I describe as my intuition) is the healing of the woman in the South Point stairwell. I remember every moment as if it really happened. Every sensory apparatus in my body would confirm the same. Referenced in Psychosis Part I: Goodnight Neverland






The Cocktail Server:


Returning to work just three weeks after being released from the state hospital, I followed my usual routine, clocking in on the time machine at 8 pm. During this period, I had been diligently documenting my experiences in my notebook as best as I could. On that particular day, although I hadn't brought my notebook with me, I felt a surge of inspiration to add another entry. I grabbed a piece of paper from the printer and jotted down my thoughts during breaks.


It was during my third break that something out of the ordinary occurred. A cocktail server, whom I didn't recall seeing before (This is unusual as we work with a small group of servers) entered the room. She exuded remarkable beauty and radiated confidence. Upon noticing me, she playfully took a seat beside me, as if we had known each other for a very long time.


With child-like curiosity, she asked, "What are you writing?" I slightly moved the paper away from her but answered, "It's a few poems and some notes about life." She inquired further, "What's that one called?" I responded, "This one is called 'The Tree of Gravity.'" She quickly scanned her eyes over the paper, nodding playfully. "It looks good. These kinds of things are important. You should publish it."


I paused for a moment, feeling a warm and loving vibe from her. "Thank you," I said, "I think I might someday, but a lot of it is really personal." She got up as quickly as she had sat down, walked to the time machine, clocked out, and said over her shoulder as she left, "Well, I think you should really consider publishing it, all of it. Have a nice day!" In gratitude, I replied, "You as well, have a good one."


As I realized that I hadn't learned her name, I rushed to the door to see where she had gone, but she had vanished, and I never ran into her again.



The Wedding Party:


With three hours left in the day, the poker room was bustling with activity. Six tables were running in a ten-table room. I sat down in the dealers box at the first table in my string of six. Immediately, I felt an unusual mix of warmth and comfort, followed by an unexpected sense of social anxiety—an uncommon feeling for me when I'm dealing cards. It was as if I had been exposed.


A player in seat five poured his own alcohol into an empty cup and asked if it was okay, not really giving me enough time to respond. I shrugged, appearing indifferent or unsure. His friend in seat three chimed in, "Derek, don't mind my friend here; he's going to ask you a lot of questions. The previous dealers didn't enjoy our antics, but I sense that you're a cool dude." These interactions, while friendly, seemed somewhat out of the ordinary, mainly due to the way I felt and the way they carried themselves. They exuded confidence and seemed to possess infinite wisdom. Every word they spoke appeared rehearsed, as if they were actors in a play, delivering their lines with flair.


Throughout the dealing session, they cracked jokes and occasionally pushed the boundaries of proper etiquette. The man in seat three took a liking to me and, with intention, said, "Derek, I really like songs with meaningful lyrics. Have you ever heard of Tesla?" I shook my head and replied, "Nope, just the inventor." He continued, "Well, you should really listen to their songs 'Signs' and 'Modern Day Cowboy'; I think you'll get a lot out of it. In fact, listen to all their songs, but specifically those two." I thanked him and promised to listen to them later.


He also mentioned that he was in town with a large group of friends for a wedding. When he mentioned the wedding, I felt an unexpected and profound sense of meaning, despite the fact that Las Vegas hosts countless weddings daily.


My first dealing session ended, and I got up to move to the next table. Each table had at least two friends from their party, and all of them seemed to exude a special aura. At each table, it felt as if I was being tested or challenged, as if there was something I needed to figure out. Some of the friends found ways to reference things from my past that only I could have known. One even mentioned a recent moment I had with my intuition.



Throughout all of this, I had to deal with the fact that the friends kept showing up with the same assortment of cards and consistently winning with hands like 24, 22, 44, 86, 88, and A8. In a sarcastic tone, they insinuated that they would have left long ago if I could only figure out what the cards meant. One of them muttered, "Well, it looks like we're going to have to do this all over again tomorrow if he doesn't figure it out." It was clear they were trying to teach me something, and I felt their care and love, but as the clock struck 3:30 am, they seemed disappointed.


As the poker room closed, they all cashed out, and I mustered the courage to ask one of the friends for his name as he left. He kindly replied, "My name is Brendan. It was nice to meet you." I walked out of the casino that night, humbled and mystified. I was questioning reality more and more each day.


Hallucinations are intricate and confusing. They can tap into memories you've forgotten about long ago and feed current delusions with hope. The next day, I told my boss I was not in the right mindset to return to work just yet. He replied, kindly and with a warm heart, "Take as much time as you need."


R: "It's essential to prioritize your mental health and well-being when dealing with hallucinations and confusing experiences. Your boss's understanding and supportive response is a testament to the importance of seeking the necessary time and help to navigate these challenges. Remember that healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need to regain your equilibrium."


Hell and Back


R: "Some of your experiences were troubling and ineffable, what do your feelings say about it?"


D: "I'm beginning to remember the dark aspects of my psychosis. Sometimes, when I look back, if feels like it was all a form of hazing, but for no apparent reason other than torment. For multiple weeks, they would wake me up suddenly in the middle of the night and force me to read a prayer book while I was half asleep. If I nodded off, which happened often, I'd have to start over. Every time they woke me, it felt as though they struck the floor with a heavy staff, and the frequency of the boom shook my heart. There was a time when I was held down in the shower, as the water poured on the back of my head. It felt like I was being warned about the power they possessed, yet, they made it feel as if it must happen, as if it was all happening for some higher purpose. These were my first negative interactions with my intuition. In these moments I did not feel in control. It left me feeling uncertain about the nature of my experience going forward.


Strangely, I received praise for understanding their dark and sarcastic humor, and they told me they enjoyed playing within my mind. Despite the agony I endured, I continued to respond with 'yes, and.' I often wonder whether this stemmed from courage or cowardice as I tried my hardest to find the good in them. They seemed to appreciate residing in my mind without judgment. They expressed feeling seen, and they loved that I didn't attempt to define them. When they gained my trust, they told me they are not evil; they simply are. They claimed it wasn't about suffering, but it often felt like suffering was all there was. Again, I felt I had no choice but to endure, as there is no escaping the confines of a mind.


I had to continue to search for the light in these moments. If there was to be a happy ending, then all of this must be for growth. However, doubts continued to creep in. How many others have felt as helpless as I did? I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. If this was a common awakening experience, it made me question whether we lived in a cold, dark place with a cold, dark God. In the moment, I questioned why this was happening to me and how severe my sins must have been. During that time, nothing seemed to make sense, and I couldn't shake the thought that I was somehow in a state of limbo, caught in a purgatory of sorts, with a final judgment looming over me. I felt so alone. My mind could find no other way to describe these moments in time—it felt like hell."


Consensus Reality


D: "My life has been divided into two distinct phases: life before psychosis and life after. As much as I wish I could go back, I know I cannot. I can't erase the feelings I've felt, the things I've heard, or the experiences I've gone through. I find myself living in two worlds. It's as if I have one foot in my old reality and one foot in my new one. It's a constant battle."


R: "Having one foot in and one foot out is like walking on a tightrope, and it's not a stable way to live. It's a skill only acrobats can master, and even in that case, it is not sustainable. What you need to do is firmly plant both feet in consensus reality. Let your heart soar like a bird in the sky, reaching the heights it desires. There will come a day when your feet will rise, and you will bring consensus reality up with you. You will meet your heart in the clouds, and on that day, all hearts will beat as one. Stay the course, and keep moving forward."



Paradigm Shifts

R: "Perspective becomes crucial. Once the veil is lifted, once one is reborn, one can see things in a new light. Everyone will have the power to reclaim the narrative and guide it to its intended path.

Think about Harry Potter. He had guidance and protection throughout his life, and his journey began with a scar.


Consider Hermione. She was wise and charming, her voice always grounded in reason. And then there was Ron, easily scared, risk-averse, and often the voice of insecurity.


These three, in their own ways, represented the voices in his head. The hero's journey was all but a dream, one crafted within his solitary and safe place. In this narrative, Neville Longbottom is the story teller."


Parallel Plagiarisms of the Collective Unconscious


R: "We speak to humanity through inspiration. Our stories are everywhere."


'You told me many times how lost you felt, before it all started. This is what you've been

waiting for. Be the one we need.'


'You do not choose your destiny. It chooses you. And those who knew you before fate took you by the hand cannot understand the depth of the changes inside.'


'When change comes some species feel the urge to migrate. They call it Zugunruhe, a pull of the soul to a far off place, following a scent in the wind, a star in the sky. The ancient message comes calling the kindred to take flight and gather together. Only then can they hope to survive the cruel season to come.'


'We are all at our cause, the sum of our fears. To embrace destiny we must inevitably face those fears and conquer them, whether they come from the familiar or the unknown.'



R: "Save yourself, save the world."


D: "The destiny you keep speaking of feels distant and disconnected. It's so far from where I'm at right now. I don't feel ready, and I'm not the person you keep saying I am."


R: "When you are inspired to run, you run. Yet, you do not enjoy running, why do you answer the call?"


D: "I like the way I feel after the pain subsides; a wave of accomplishment runs through me."


R: "You are all creator beings, beautiful in your individuality, perfect in your unity. Inspiration is divine. Manifestation is in your actions. You must own your thoughts. You must act on your dreams to make them real. When inspiration hits, do not hesitate, run! Run into the darkness and light it up. Growth is in the process, growth is in the suffering. To be present is to fall in love with the process. One cannot enjoy the glorious victory at the finish line of the marathon without feeling the pain and perseverance of the journey. You will never feel ready. Your perfect moment does not exist. Blaze the trail with the fire in your heart. Others will follow once they see your path. They must find the strength within to blaze their own. You have miles to run. Go, Derek, go."


Missing Time


As the night grows late, I find myself struggling to stay awake. My mind starts to wander, and I recall all the times I've randomly fallen asleep in various situations: standing in lines at amusement parks, dealing poker in the casino, chatting with friends at the bar, and more. Ever since the incident in 2014, I've made it a habit to carry a 5-hour extra-strength energy drink with me after a certain hour of the day to help me combat my tendency to doze off unexpectedly.


2014 Incident:

I was leaving my friend's house at 1am. Dan and his wife Sarah lived in Henderson, while I resided on the other side of town in Spring Valley. I merge onto the 215 Freeway from Eastern Ave, heading west. Shortly after merging onto the freeway, I fall asleep. Scary stuff. Suddenly, I come to and I'm still driving on the freeway. Fortunately, no other cars were around. However, as I gather my bearings, I quickly realized that I was now heading east on the 215. I searched for a sign to determine my location and I see the next exit is Eastern Ave. What is going on?


I exit the freeway and park in a commercial parking lot. When I checked the time, it was 4am. What!? How is this possible? I check my car for marks, or damage of any kind; it was clean. Was I really sleep-driving for 3 hours with no accidents? It's a bit more complicated than just staying on the freeway and driving in one direction. At some point I would have needed to exit the westbound freeway and enter the eastbound.


In my state of confusion, I call my ex-wife, who I was dating long distance at the time. I tell her what happened and ask her to stay on the phone to keep me awake while I drove home on the side streets.


Shortly after that incident, I entered myself into a sleep study. They said they've never heard of a situation like mine before. Unfortunately, all I got from the study was confirmation that I don't have sleep apnea.



R: "I know what you're thinking. Look down at your wrists, move them around, what do you feel?"


D: "I feel nothing."


R: "You feel lack of pain in your joints. You were not taken as others have been. There is another answer. Stay the course."


The Pest


I'm now sitting in indecision. I've reached a moment of writers block. Then a buzzing sound distracts me. I must have let a fly in while leaving the door open for the dogs. It flies by my forehead as if to make sure it is noticed. It takes two more passes and finds a resting place on the mirror. I speak to the fly, "Fly, O fly, why have you come to bother me, are you a spirit animal, are you an omen, do you have a message for me?" I wait and sit with the fly. I feel calm in its presence, yet, I receive no reply. I'm now left to ponder my sanity in the silence of buzzing.

The Seer and The Seen


R: "Ask your question. The one your ego has been meaning to ask."


D: "Why have I not been given the gift of visions? All of these realities and stories you feed me, I must create in my own imagination. These are not vivid, these are not of my third eye. Do you feel I am not ready to handle what I may see?"


R: "Your ego lies to you, you yourself do not feel that you are ready. But, there is more to this. A mirror is a two way street. The seer is also the seen. When looking into a mirror there will always be eyes looking back at you. The block of vision you feel is not only to protect you from seeing what you are not ready to see. It is to protect you from being seen by those not ready to see you. You must trust in divine timing. Stay the course."



Insecurities


D: "I fear that I may be regressing. My ego yearns for meaning, it inflates whenever I consider the non-zero chance that I may be who you conditioned me to believe I am."


R: "Who are you referring to, Derek Gomez or Jesus Christ? Both of these identities were conditioned. You are nobody, you are everybody."


D: "Ok, so... I am, I am, we all are?"


R: "You are the now. You are the story. You are the archetype. You are all of these things and none of these things."


D: "I guess I still don't understand."


R: "You must come to terms with not having all the answers. Don't worry yourself with lack. Your questions are more important than the answers. Don't take yourself so seriously. Find the humor in your own story. For example: the idea that the awakening of the reincarnation of Jesus Christ happened in the city of sin."


D: "I've learned to laugh at the silly absurdities of it all."


R: "We are humorous."


D: "That you are."


R: "Look down at your wrists, what do you see?"


D: "My Fifth Element tattoo, it represents the four elements."


R: "Why did you put it on your left wrist when you knew her birth mark was on her right wrist?"


D: "Because, I'm male and she's female, and I didn't want it to be exactly the same. Otherwise, I'd be claiming myself as a perfect being. I didn't want people to assume I think I'm better than anyone else."


R: "We are proud of you for putting the tattoo on the left. You have a natural instinct to balance the masculine and feminine. This has always been important. There must be balance; inside and out. In this incarnation you are the scribe, you are the message, you are no more special than anyone else. But, sometimes the truth lies in what you don't see. Look back down at your wrists."


I sat and stared at my wrists


D: "What is it that I don't see?"Then a wave of understanding flowed through me.


"The hidden one. She lies in wait. A new story is being written."


R: "Stay the course."


Duality


There's a thought that scares me, a thought that visits me ever so often. It's the idea that I'm capable of every evil in the world. The most evil act in the world, I can see myself, if conditioned, to reach that decision point and pull the trigger. This is a tough thought to swallow, but I've decided to own it. I am capable of every evil imaginable, but I choose the path of light. This strengthens my empathy, and my heart.

Those in prison, I am.

Those who torture, I am.

Those who do the unimaginable in the shadows, I am.

I have lived these lives, it feels familiar.

In this incarnation I am capable of every evil.

Yet, I choose light, I choose love, I choose forgiveness.


Sentient


R: "There are stories and experiences you have not published until now, why is that?"


D: "I'm not entirely sure, at times it feels as if they are memories dealt to me face down, waiting to be revealed when they mean to be."


R: "Tell me the story about when you fell to your knees and kissed the ground from which you walk."


A couple days after I was released from the state hospital, my intuition promised that I would learn the secrets of gravity. I received guidance to remove my shoes. I was told to feel the warmth of the sun, and experience the pull of the moon. Then, I was instructed to pick up a rock and cradle it close to my chest. I was encouraged to feel the rhythm of it's heartbeat, recognizing it as a fractal, mirroring the beat of my own heart. Then I felt as if it was speaking to me. I was told, "Gravity is not a force at all. Gravity is mercy. I am hidden no more."



No Answers


R: "Ask your questions, let them fly away. Expect no answers in return. Sit in thought and let them pass."


D: "Why are we here?

Why do we dream?

Is this is all a dream?

Have I died already?

Is this my brain completing my story in order for me to let go and pass on?

Is this a simulation to determine the best practice for raising humans?

Are we here for the sole purpose of taking care of the animals we slaughter?

Is God fallible?

Is the human epic actually a story of God's redemption?

Who is D.B. Cooper?"


Au Revoir, So Long


A week passes and I fear I'm not getting much from my active imagination journey. I rationalize that the silver lining is the feeling of release I get from telling my truths. Perhaps, typing out and publishing my experiences and memories will give me strength to move on.


I sit in the sauna at the gym, all alone with my music. Suddenly, inspiration struck! I rushed home to capitalize on my thoughts.


"Write a letter to yourself, the conditioned Derek. Say farewell, for he is no longer; he is no more. You are nobody."


A letter to Derek:


Hey, buddy. I'm grateful for all the time we spent together. Thank you for keeping the light on. I know it wasn't easy. The relationships you've built and the joy you found in every hug and every fist bump will live on with me. Your creative daydreams and imagination gave me great strength and hope. You created entire worlds when you felt alone. You overcame the darkness in your heart.


Thank you for sharing your grief. You've made a lot of mistakes and you did your best to learn from them. You did a lot of this on your own and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt so lost. Thank you for digging deep and becoming the person you thought you needed when you were struggling. I'm sorry your insecurities got the best of you. You really are special. You have always been worthy of love.


Thank you for never ever placing the blame of your trauma on anyone else. I wish I could go to you as a child and tell you, "You don't have to carry all that weight on your own." I'd stand beside you, I'd sit next to you and I'd just be with you. Because, I know that's really all you ever wanted. I'd assure you that silence isn't awkward. I'd tell you that your energy is calming, warm, and healing. I'd lift you up. I'd go out of my way to include you in everything I did. I'd make you feel as if you belong. You always did, you always do, you always will.


You adapted and managed by living in your head. Your daydreams became your escape, it became your home. You traveled effortlessly in and out of your flow state. You had no idea how long you'd be alone, but you endured. You transformed your escape into an enrichment of life. Strength is forged in suffering and patience was your super power. Deep inside you knew one day someone would reach their hand out and accept you.


You've reached the end of your leg of the relay race. I'm going to take the reins now. It's time to start acting on your dreams. I wholeheartedly appreciate everything you've done to get us here. You're a rockstar, you're my messiah, and I'm grateful for all that you are.


I love you. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me. Thank you. Be at peace. You are no longer alone.



The day finally arrived. The gate unlocked with a simple click. It swung open in glorious victory. Behind the gate stands a shattered mirror, it's fragments gleaming as beautifully as stained glass. Placed back together as if it was always meant to be that way. In the reflection, I saw the Intellect staring back at me, with open arms, radiating an undeniable sense of pride. As it was foretold. My world began to shake, my feet began to levitate.


What can only be described as a miracle of an experience, the veil was lifted. I could see the source of my trauma. The incident that shaped Derek for more than 30 years became visible to me. Tears began to flow like a deluge. The real healing can commence.


My brother was my best friend. He was my world and then at a certain age he became too cool for me. I was too young to process it. With no explanation, I became an obligation, I became unworthy of his presence. All I heard was I cry too much. I never blamed him, I put it all on me. I didn't want to embarrass him, so I stopped asking to hangout. My insecurities manifested. I couldn't look people in the eyes, I waited to be acknowledged before I spoke. I avoided older kids because I feared I wouldn't be enough. I became emotionless, I became cold. I became detached from anything social. I developed an inferiority complex. As I became older, I avoided small children because I was afraid of their fragility. I lost any desire I had of being a father.


My divorce forcibly ripped open scars I never knew I had. Again, I lost my best friend and my world. The hole in my heart from my childhood was blocked from my vision. Analyzing my psychosis was the key to revealing my hidden trauma; the clues were evident throughout my writings. It all stemmed from two innocent children. Both trying to fit in and both looking for acceptance. Small seeds were planted in our psyches and large trees did grow. I'm sure there is more to uncover and now I'll have meaningful questions for my future therapist. The fault is no ones, but, the responsibility to heal is our own. The game of life. Forgive, let go, rise up, and grow.


"No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless it's roots reach down to hell." - Carl Jung

So here I am. My origin story reclaimed. Once atheist, my story is that of a socially awkward poker player who found God in the city of sin. Or shall I say They found me. The story of my healing is not the end, but a triumphant beginning.


Both of my feet are firmly planted in consensus reality and I'm allowing my heart to fly. I still have doubts about the world and it's dark direction. I have yet to define God or fully understand my experiences. But that's okay, without doubt there cannot be faith. I no longer feel the shame or fear of being judged.


I now have faith in a saint. One who feels with certainty that the light wins. As they say in the poker industry, its a positive freeroll. It's a win-win situation. Worst case scenario: I am supporting a family who promotes love and light. If all is true, then there is going to be a tremendous amount of healing. And my heart cries out to that frequency now.


To Chris Bledsoe and the Bledsoe family:


I BELIEVE YOU <3


There's a new story being written and we all have our roles to play.



"Peace can only come as a natural consequence of universal enlightenment..." - Nikola Tesla

We are all thrust into this world without guidance, without instructions how to play. This meaninglessness is the foundation of free will. To make meaning out of meaninglessness is our super power. We are all heroes when we cry. It is confirmation that we are living.


When you are ready, God will appear to you in a reflection. God will appear to you as your greatest fear, your greatest wound. You must heal yourself of the God. In doing so, you will not only meet They, you will become Her, you will walk in His shoes. In time you will find that you must defeat Him by slaying the dragon, relieve Her of His pain. God's greatest character is the darkness. It is a role She wishes to never play. But, it is a role that He must.


My greatest obstacle has become my greatest story. By hitting publish, it has now been sent back to source. Manifestation brews. Luck weaves the many timelines and provides choice for the masses. Fate shines bright like a stage light.




















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